urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716 so you think yo know me..... butterfly princess 2006-10-17T10:05:19Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:23901 2006-10-17T10:05:19Z 2006-10-17T10:05:19Z i cant remember when the last time was i didnt feel like i was hideing some part of me from the world. i cant remember the last time i felt truely safe and secure. i cant remember the last time i went to sleep relaxed. i cant remember why i feel this badly.<br /><br />i miss you more than you know. its like my chest reaches for yours. my ears long for your voice. my fingers long for yours to entwine mine. i know you understand in some respect... but i still miss you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:23683 2006-08-31T19:24:02Z 2006-08-31T19:24:02Z angry to the point of rage....<br /><br /> i dont get like this often and i know it takes me a lot to get here.<br /><br /> fucking work. <br /><br /><br />its bad enough that they weasled me into going in from 8-10am on my day off, but then coned me into staying longer. and when i object, because i have many things in my life that i need done and that dont revolve around work or the mall (which i despise at this point in life....) they give me the hardest fucking time!! so now im at home shoving cereal down my throat with barely enough milk to even count because i have not much else in my house, venting about how extremely upset i am.and my fucking mamager gets pissed at me.... cuz i didnt stay through the shift she wanted me to : 10-5... yea fuck you! yea i have been asking for more hrs but i mean 8 hr days and more notice than 5 min when you wnat me to work a shift.... we have to give 2 hrs to you if we are calling off. i still have to go back at 2.... they just offered me promotion... im gonna fucking quit. this is bull shit and a half...<br /><br />and i havent been at my appt ofr like a week... its a mess they cats are going crazy and i feel bad for michelle.... fucking car too. how am i supposed to drive home from late night shifts from work with no headlights?! i cant.. so i have been sleeping on my mom's couch and let me tell you my back is so much less than happy.... so far less.... well now i have to shower and leave to go back to hell.....<br /><br /><br /><br />its all such fucking bull shit.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:23404 2006-07-24T07:25:03Z 2006-07-24T07:26:43Z there has been so much on my mind lately, but i just dont know how to express all i want to. i have changed. changed a lot. and so have a lot of people i thought i knew. most times its just so overwhelming to think about because its painful, to say the least. i sure do talk a lot less.... but there isnt anyone to really talk to anyways. i honestly miss you dearly. im being held hostage by the world again. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:23095 2006-05-23T19:21:00Z 2006-05-23T19:21:00Z no one even reads this anymore. why do i bother? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:22792 2006-05-02T09:17:07Z 2006-05-02T09:17:07Z im not sure... really there has been a whole lot buzzing around in my mind lately... at the moment though i have to say that i was absolutely horrified today. i went to the beach down rivera to vicente and couldnt believe how bad it looked. no wonder they are going to ban everything at the beach. as i walked along the sand dunes looking for a simple place to sit and watch i couldnt believe what a mess was left all around from previous "enjoiers" and honestly i was completely offended and appalled. trash everywhere... not to mention that the sand, no beach below was disgustingly black. horrified is all i think.i mean honestly i thought we are supposed to be sunny beautiful california. well i dont see it. its amazing what has changed in the two years i have been gone, and sometimes its almost painful. i cant tell you how proud i was, how proud i am, of being me and where i am from. east coast-ers have such a diluted illusion of what california, or what san francisco is like for that matter. they think its sunshiny and all smiles. that every where you go there are celebrities and everyone one surfs and says "dude". the list goes on and on. but its not true... mostly anyway. something inside of me wants to do something about it. but the rest of me doesnt know how. i am lacking these days. of and from what im not sure. now i want to retreat into something, someplace that no longer exists. what i want to know is when and where did i lose something so precious and how will i ever find it again?!<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />all i have to say is i love you.<br /><br /><br />all you have to say is i love you.<br /><br /><br />all i want to say is i need you.<br /><br /><br />all i want you to say is you need me.<br /><br /><br />all in all there are no words that be said.<br /><br /><br />while i was gone all i wanted to do was come back. now that im back all i want to do is go away. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:22576 2006-04-10T09:34:35Z 2006-04-10T09:34:35Z it amazes me that after everything you still completely inspire me. there is something about your spirit that frees mine. you always have a different perspective than my own but you respect where i stand. you analyze the world and yet are so light hearted and kind. you question everything and yet you believe in the smallest of joys. i could talk to you forever and a word not be said. i dream of us lying on a high grassy plain just watching the sky and talking. with you i can be honest. there is no need to hide my flaws or yours. <br /><br />if i could only express myself to you without fear of me. no. no. what happned to just saying what wants to be said and standing behind your words. fear and pain is what happned my dear, that is what. if i knew no reson to fear those words would flow freely from my lips. but you see i need you still and i cant risk it. this is far more important than what im longing to know and feel. <br /><br />oh stand your ground.<br />stand your ground.<br /><br />no. no. i musnt. i cant. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:22499 2006-04-09T08:31:16Z 2006-04-09T08:33:34Z im just so frustrated. i mean to the point where it irritates my every movement... perhaps i should just go out walking.... no particular direction... just to go... i feel so alone and yet i dont really want to be around anyone at all.... and i want to talk but i cant seem to find the right words to express what im feeling... or the right person to really listen... like even when i try all i can do is cry. i mean seriously, what is going on?! i cant even remember why im even back here.... vacation is over this is a war.... and im mostly fighting myself.<br />gawd i feel so sick because im so upset... like if i physicially clear my body of everything in it my mind would also be clear or something.<br /><br />what happned?<br />what happned?<br />what happned?<br /><br />smile is painted<br />laugh is only for effect<br />fun isnt even a concept<br />beathing i sometimes forget about<br /><br />all by my own faults.<br /><br />make it stop<br /><br />please<br /><br />make it stop. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:22040 2005-12-05T15:55:11Z 2005-12-05T16:11:07Z "Baby, look outside" said Paula as she peeked in at 9:55 this morning. So I stretched, stood up and peeked through the blinds.... " holy crap SNOW!! " I squealed. It must have started sticking maybe 20 min ago because everything was beginning to be dusted... I had forgotten how peaceful and clean it made everything. Growing up where it never snows, its still amazing to look out the window and see it falling down. Like frozen confetti the way it floats down the first time of the year. For a moment I was excited. then I realized I have to drive in it. Not that it snows 3 feet here but none the less I hate it. I hate the cold and I hate having to freeze my hands to sweep the mounds off before I can even get in. There is always the potential of my doors freezing shut again... I hate how cold it gets. As if Im not cold enough to begin with... lets drop it down to 16º. Then I remember that starting today I am working 7 days a week until after xmas, and not my normal hours either. Im going in later to work and closing every-night. Which means that by the time I leave everything is going to be frozen over... Black ice galore.... and this is when my anxiety starts kicking in... "Calm down, calm down'" I keep repeating to myself, but it seems so much easier when its someone else's words...<br /><br /> Well... Good morning to me!!!<br /> have a kick ass day urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:21966 2005-09-03T13:19:10Z 2005-09-03T13:19:51Z i sure havent updated in a long while.... part of me is just lazy and part of me is so uninspired. im feeling disgustingly lonely again and it makes me sick ever night as i try to sleep. i guess there is only so much i can busy myself with in a day before pretending to be numb catches up with me.<br />i move tess to the appt on sunday, and brutis goes home with Will on monday, which im sort of glad for. there isnt all that much going on that i can think of to update on... gas prices suck!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:21726 2005-07-08T02:04:58Z 2005-07-08T02:06:17Z im so scared it almost ridiculous, except for the fact that i honestly cant help it the min the light hits my retinas and is processed by my brain i cant help the nausea that runs chills through my skin. i would think i would really like lightning and thunder. but i dont and i cant help it. i keep having these mini panic attacks but it almost subconscious.... id stop it if i could, but for now i guess ill just listen to my ipod and hide way down in the covers, but i can still feel the vibrations..... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:20551 2005-06-03T02:26:07Z 2005-06-03T02:26:07Z im feeling oddly homesick tonight. not so much for the company of people it has in it for me, but more for it's simple beauty. i want to be able to just go walking.... in the park, on the beach, on sidewalks -which are non existant here- i miss being alone but at the same time smothered by the existance of people. i miss being able to feel awake and alive after 9pm. to see even after it gets dark. haha i wish, even as far fetched as this is, that home was less than a day trip away.... im starting to get uncomfortably comfortable here, and it making me uneasy. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:20231 2005-05-23T04:01:01Z 2005-05-23T04:01:01Z loneliness is starting to really settle in... im am getting really restless... i want to go out and meet people, but good people. i want to have something to do and people to go with... im home sick in the most distant way... its strange. <br /><br />there needs to be more hours in a day... i just need to get up off my ass.<br /><br /><br />seprate note: andy leavs this week.... what will i do then? poor thing is prolly so happy to be rid of me! lol... poker addict..... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:19968 2005-05-19T03:12:21Z 2005-05-19T03:12:21Z i worry, as is my nature... sleep is lost, but in some ways sleep is a waste of time...<br /><br />please dont slip through the cracks. tell me how i can help. see i know you have talents and skills above and beyond every fucking moron out there who is surpassing you right now. tell me what i can say to make you see how much value you have to the world. to me. to them. tell me what i can do to prove that you are needed, wanted, desired by the world. how can i prove it. how can i show you the light of better things ahead, if only you'd look. they are looking for you. what makes you so afraid to look up, ahead, and around. the answers could only be a finger length away if you try.... so try. breathe in. breathe out. open your eyes. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:19787 2005-05-03T02:00:41Z 2005-05-03T02:00:41Z i want to apoligise to the people who i promised to write to... if only i could express everything so you would understand. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:19646 2005-04-15T05:40:20Z 2005-04-15T05:40:20Z "it was fine!", "it was great!", it was awesome! is what ill say. when all i want to do is cry my heart out. i wonder why things always go wrong, and how it goes so sour so fast. 19 years of my life now fits into 11 boxes and 1 suitcase at the moment. amazing how everything can mean absolutely nothing. how can people live like this!? and i wonder why i keep running. i hope at least i get to smooth over one aspect of this trip i had all intensions for. its about the last hope i have left. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:19343 2005-04-12T03:47:07Z 2005-04-12T03:47:45Z argh.. there are so many things i need to do, and not enough time to do it.. so many things i need to say, and not enough words... i need to get it all out before i pass out from all the pressure... who knew that life could be this complicated.....<br /><br />::sobbs::<br /><br /><br /><br />help me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:18540 2005-04-03T05:39:30Z 2005-04-07T02:46:47Z hey there dear, <br />come sit by my side<br />and we can look to the horizon beyond.<br />come lean on my shoulder and whisper in my ear <br />the thoughts you are so dying to share<br />for i cant help with what i dont know <br />and your insight inspires me so<br />your presence and being<br />is a gift in my life <br />and i and hope you feel that as well.<br /><br />so please dear, <br />do consider <br />because maybe this is just what you are longing for.<br /><br /><br />some one very close to me once said, if you hold it all in, and wear it all out, you come off as being hostile and grumpy. it makes it seem like you dont want anyone to bother you when all you really want is someone to care and listen. all you need to do is learn to share what you feel and learn to ask for what you want, and the help you need. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:17684 2005-03-11T10:47:02Z 2005-03-11T10:47:02Z i had an awesome time.<br /><br /><br />its still 63* outside and i have been just sitting on he porch since i got home... i f-ing hate this. i dont want to leave. i mean i know i have to and all but, what if i didnt have to. i mean every time i come to visit i realize that i have learned and grown more. but it all boils down to those last couple hours where i just wish i could change it all. all the what ifs come up and i cant help but wonder if i had missed my chance. but what should i even bother waisting my time with all that. i cant help it. im so tired but i feel like if i go to sleep then it will all be over. i think i am ready to come home. back to the bay. but in some ways im afraid. if things get rough again am i just going to run away? because that seems to be my newest technique of dealing with things. but in reality im not at all. and that is so bull. now im thinking that if i know all this then it wont happen and i can change it, but i think id just run. <br /><br />i bottle a whole lot more than i used to. and i dont know if it a good or bad thing. but it gets to the point where i feel so full that my head starts to feel like its going to explode. but in all honesty, i have no one to spill to anymore... so i just suck it all back up. but i feel grey inside.<br /><br /><br />i know what i want, so why cant i ask? i have always had a problem with being anxious. even about little things.<br /> <br /><br />pause time, im not ready! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:17136 2005-03-07T08:48:22Z 2005-03-07T08:48:22Z today was awesome and busy of course. it all worked out great and the waether was beautiful. i hope i get to chill at the beach soon with my friends... bon fire!!!! <br /><br /><br />if the right moment came around, would i know it? or would i just painfully watch it pass by. im trying really hard. i am. what are my chances... haha what are my choices?! haha hmmm could shawn be right for once?... no.. .well.... maybe.... u think? haha i turn into sucha late night mess... lol oh but if only.<br /><br />nite.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:16719 2005-03-06T17:16:26Z 2005-03-06T17:16:26Z yesterday was awesome. we went to go see my aunt in palo alto. she just had a baby girl, caitlyn. so cute! my grandma is in town, and my uncle came up from la to see us. it was fun. we sat around and talked and laughed and had some really good times. then we came home and dropped my siblings back at my dads. then my mom and i went for a drive along the coast, but the back way. cuz apparently that was everyone's idea yesterday! haha. it was a lot of fun. i really miss my mom. she is so cute. and i suppose when i come back and am around more ill get a lil irritated cuz well it happens with family, but i love her!<br /><br /><br /> i was supposed to go dancing with megs last night, but just like i expected, she canceled on me cuz of all this dumb ass bullshit. but i cant say i was all that surprised. but she did want me to do her an oh so huge favor, even though i have to be somewhere at 5 today, she wants me to go to audition with her at this dance studio from 1-5 just so she can get into this dance troop. im not even going to be here to be in it... but also typical. i initially told her id do it because, well those of you who know me, know that im above being a bad friend, but the more i think about it the more i realize, who cares!? i dont want or need to go. its way to much of an effort for her to come see me or go dancing, but if im doing something in her favor she makes a minimal effort to get what she wants. i really want to spend time with her. we used to be so close and i still care a lot for her, but my life isnt a one way street. my life doesnt revolve around everyone else anymore. i have learned to be a little selfish. not even selfish, just caring for myself and i like it. id rather hang out with people who i know want to see me and will meet me halfway in the effort. and i know plenty of people who are just as excited to see me as i am them. this is my vacation and im going to enjoy what little time i have here with the people that i love. i mean really, how often do i get to visit since i moved?<br /><br />today looks and smells like an awesomely warm and fun day! i cant wait! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:16619 2005-03-05T10:55:58Z 2005-03-05T10:55:58Z so i have been here a total of a day and a half, bordering two days... blah blah i feel like being specific... anywho... so maybe its the jet lag, or the horomones or just all the excitement, but im at a point of complete confusion of myself.... i mean there are so many emotions running through me... its getting harder than i thought to sort them out and keep cool. my parents, a mess, to say the least and it is majorly affecting my sibblings... i feel like there is so much responsability that i abandoned by just uprooting... argh.. and all my friends have changed, not majorly good or bad, but sosmehow i feel like i dont even speak to them in their language nor their level... and as stupid as it sounds i dont feel like im good enough for them anymore...i mean there are a lot of good things im feeling too. i really miss the city and im glad to get time off and just have a chance to relax. gawd i wish i could just spill it all to you... i wish i just could talk with ease... but it seems all so complicated now... im having a good time really, there are just some realities that are hitting a little hard is all. i just need to sleep.<br /><br />kisses,<br /><br />me urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:16364 2005-03-04T07:47:22Z 2005-03-04T07:47:22Z im home for a week!! how excited am i!!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:15973 2005-02-21T03:59:44Z 2005-02-21T03:59:44Z i have always tried to be creative in my entries. haha i suppose it comes out more indirect than anything. but this time ill just "talk" so anywho.. it has been quite the week. i was sick the beginning of last week. then tessa was sick last weekend and so i have had to take care of her this week. poor little baby. i havent gotten a good nights sleep in a while. im either anxious or i have my mothering instincts acting up. i find myself waking up 2 or 3 times a night for no reason. part of it is i think im listening for tess, just to make sure she is ok. i feel so bad for her, being couped up in my room and all. i just dont want her to be sick all over the house. then ill get in trouble. hehe. she is feeling better now and runnign round like the crazy cat she is. i love her tho.<br /><br />on other news... im going home in 2 weeks -10 days to be exact,- for a visit. i am so excited. ill only be there for a week but i am so ready for it. i need a break. i really need to be with my friends. its sad how few people i know out here. its been a year now and its still like i just moved here. oh and im excited bout my family of course. my aunt just had another baby, so my grandma will be there too. <br />so not to "count my eggs before the hatch" but im hopeing i can use this trip to guage my timing on what im going to do next. i need to move out and go back to school and all, but ill see how it all goes. i hope to be home and settled atleast by this time next year. i have learned that things take a lot more time than i hope they would when it comes to this stuff, but the time always seems to fly because it it always here before i realize it is. i guage my time now by holidays, as most people in retail i think do. the wierdest part is that you prepare for holidays and know when they are comming, but when it gets here you are not prepared at all. i tell you its the strangest thing. i mean i almost panic. acctually its kind of funny.<br /><br />haha man this entry is extremely jumpy.. perhaps that is why i alwasy write indirectly... lol urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:15831 2005-02-14T04:59:16Z 2005-02-14T04:59:16Z happy valentines day.<br /><br /><br />"sonet 43<br /><br />how do i love thee?<br />let me count the ways.<br />i love thee to the depth <br />and breath <br />and height<br />my soul can reach,<br />when feeling out of sight.<br />for the ends of being and ideal grace.<br />i love thee to the level of every day's most quiet need,<br />by sun and candlelight<br />i love thee with the passion put to use<br />in my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.<br />i love thee with a love <br />i seemed to lose with my lost saints ----<br />i love thee with the breath, smiles, tears, of all my life.<br />--- and, if god choose, <br />i shall but love thee better<br /> after death.<br /><br /> - Elizabeth Barrett Browning"<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />please tell me,<br />have the stars turned cold? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:butterfly716:15598 2005-02-12T03:59:08Z 2005-02-12T03:59:08Z "imagine a coat, <br /><br />imagine the pocket of the coat,<br /><br />imagine whats inside the pocket,<br /><br />now write."<br /><br />so i did:<br /><br /> The afternoon sun was beaming through the window. Laughing, Sarah and Jake rummaged quietly through their parent's closet. It was after lunch and with full bellies, there was no better time to play "grown-ups," <br /> Nothing looked quite grown up enough for Sarah that afternoon, so it was taking her extra long and Jake was getting impatient. <br /> "Sarah! what about this jacket?" sighed Jake from the depths of the musty closet. <br /> "Which one?" asked Sarah, excited that she might have found just the thing to complete her today.<br /> It was a tannish orange leather coat that fit her father so many years ago. She slipped her tiny arm into the sleek orange polyester lining, orange like the sky, just before the sun pulls the blanket of ocean over it's head. She continued smoothly down one arm. Jake, still holding most of it's weight, helped her find the other arm, just as he had seen his father do for his mother. Sarah looked into the mirror, sizing the outfit up. "hmm is it perfect?" she analyzed. <br /> The coat was heavy on her tiny shoulders and the sleeves were much too long. It still smelled like papa even though it hadn't seen daylight in years. Sarah squinted from the reflection of the sun into the mirror and pulled the coat closer, breathing deeply taking in his memory. She slid her hands gently down the front, past all the buttons, still deciding if it was rite. Her hands naturally glided towards the pockets. <br /> They were so large compared to her tiny hands. The pockets were also lined with orange silky polyester. the kind that is cool, almost cold at first touch, but warms up nicely within a few minutes. Her finger tips gently brushed something in the right pocket and she pulled her hand out quickly. Her brow furrowing as she questioned just what else had invaded that pocket beside her hand. <br /> "Was it a mouse? It seemed a little fuzzy. But it hasn't moved. I hope it isn't something dead!" She worried. "JAKE!" Sarah called.<br /> He had moved on to the next room of LEGOs, she was taking too long. Jake popped his head around the corner. "Yes?"<br /> " Jake there is something in this pocket." Sarah pointed, trying to stay as calm as possible. "Can you reach it?"<br /> "Ummm... OK!" <br /> Jake walked to Sarah and reached his hand, then his forearm, then almost all of his elbow into papa's pocket. Then there came an elbow, a forearm and a hand. In Jake's little hand was a small black box with a gold trim. "TREASURE!" they screamed and pried it open. But all they found was a small empty slit.