butterfly princess

03:48 am: and if only...
i cant remember when the last time was i didnt feel like i was hideing some part of me from the world. i cant remember the last time i felt truely safe and secure. i cant remember the last time i went to sleep relaxed. i cant remember why i feel this badly.

i miss you more than you know. its like my chest reaches for yours. my ears long for your voice. my fingers long for yours to entwine mine. i know you understand in some respect... but i still miss you.

12:16 pm: angry...
angry to the point of rage....

i dont get like this often and i know it takes me a lot to get here.

fucking work.


its bad enough that they weasled me into going in from 8-10am on my day off, but then coned me into staying longer. and when i object, because i have many things in my life that i need done and that dont revolve around work or the mall (which i despise at this point in life....) they give me the hardest fucking time!! so now im at home shoving cereal down my throat with barely enough milk to even count because i have not much else in my house, venting about how extremely upset i am.and my fucking mamager gets pissed at me.... cuz i didnt stay through the shift she wanted me to : 10-5... yea fuck you! yea i have been asking for more hrs but i mean 8 hr days and more notice than 5 min when you wnat me to work a shift.... we have to give 2 hrs to you if we are calling off. i still have to go back at 2.... they just offered me promotion... im gonna fucking quit. this is bull shit and a half...

and i havent been at my appt ofr like a week... its a mess they cats are going crazy and i feel bad for michelle.... fucking car too. how am i supposed to drive home from late night shifts from work with no headlights?! i cant.. so i have been sleeping on my mom's couch and let me tell you my back is so much less than happy.... so far less.... well now i have to shower and leave to go back to hell.....



its all such fucking bull shit....

12:25 am: there has been so much on my mind lately, but i just dont know how to express all i want to. i have changed. changed a lot. and so have a lot of people i thought i knew. most times its just so overwhelming to think about because its painful, to say the least. i sure do talk a lot less.... but there isnt anyone to really talk to anyways. i honestly miss you dearly. im being held hostage by the world again.

12:21 pm: ehh...
no one even reads this anymore. why do i bother?

01:49 am: changes
im not sure... really there has been a whole lot buzzing around in my mind lately... at the moment though i have to say that i was absolutely horrified today. i went to the beach down rivera to vicente and couldnt believe how bad it looked. no wonder they are going to ban everything at the beach. as i walked along the sand dunes looking for a simple place to sit and watch i couldnt believe what a mess was left all around from previous "enjoiers" and honestly i was completely offended and appalled. trash everywhere... not to mention that the sand, no beach below was disgustingly black. horrified is all i think.i mean honestly i thought we are supposed to be sunny beautiful california. well i dont see it. its amazing what has changed in the two years i have been gone, and sometimes its almost painful. i cant tell you how proud i was, how proud i am, of being me and where i am from. east coast-ers have such a diluted illusion of what california, or what san francisco is like for that matter. they think its sunshiny and all smiles. that every where you go there are celebrities and everyone one surfs and says "dude". the list goes on and on. but its not true... mostly anyway. something inside of me wants to do something about it. but the rest of me doesnt know how. i am lacking these days. of and from what im not sure. now i want to retreat into something, someplace that no longer exists. what i want to know is when and where did i lose something so precious and how will i ever find it again?!










all i have to say is i love you.


all you have to say is i love you.


all i want to say is i need you.


all i want you to say is you need me.


all in all there are no words that be said.


while i was gone all i wanted to do was come back. now that im back all i want to do is go away.

02:20 am: the lesser of two
it amazes me that after everything you still completely inspire me. there is something about your spirit that frees mine. you always have a different perspective than my own but you respect where i stand. you analyze the world and yet are so light hearted and kind. you question everything and yet you believe in the smallest of joys. i could talk to you forever and a word not be said. i dream of us lying on a high grassy plain just watching the sky and talking. with you i can be honest. there is no need to hide my flaws or yours.

if i could only express myself to you without fear of me. no. no. what happned to just saying what wants to be said and standing behind your words. fear and pain is what happned my dear, that is what. if i knew no reson to fear those words would flow freely from my lips. but you see i need you still and i cant risk it. this is far more important than what im longing to know and feel.

oh stand your ground.
stand your ground.

no. no. i musnt. i cant.

01:30 am: unnerving
im just so frustrated. i mean to the point where it irritates my every movement... perhaps i should just go out walking.... no particular direction... just to go... i feel so alone and yet i dont really want to be around anyone at all.... and i want to talk but i cant seem to find the right words to express what im feeling... or the right person to really listen... like even when i try all i can do is cry. i mean seriously, what is going on?! i cant even remember why im even back here.... vacation is over this is a war.... and im mostly fighting myself.
gawd i feel so sick because im so upset... like if i physicially clear my body of everything in it my mind would also be clear or something.

what happned?
what happned?
what happned?

smile is painted
laugh is only for effect
fun isnt even a concept
beathing i sometimes forget about

all by my own faults.

make it stop

please

make it stop.

10:53 am: first snow of the season
"Baby, look outside" said Paula as she peeked in at 9:55 this morning. So I stretched, stood up and peeked through the blinds.... " holy crap SNOW!! " I squealed. It must have started sticking maybe 20 min ago because everything was beginning to be dusted... I had forgotten how peaceful and clean it made everything. Growing up where it never snows, its still amazing to look out the window and see it falling down. Like frozen confetti the way it floats down the first time of the year. For a moment I was excited. then I realized I have to drive in it. Not that it snows 3 feet here but none the less I hate it. I hate the cold and I hate having to freeze my hands to sweep the mounds off before I can even get in. There is always the potential of my doors freezing shut again... I hate how cold it gets. As if Im not cold enough to begin with... lets drop it down to 16º. Then I remember that starting today I am working 7 days a week until after xmas, and not my normal hours either. Im going in later to work and closing every-night. Which means that by the time I leave everything is going to be frozen over... Black ice galore.... and this is when my anxiety starts kicking in... "Calm down, calm down'" I keep repeating to myself, but it seems so much easier when its someone else's words...

Well... Good morning to me!!!
have a kick ass day

09:14 am: long hrs
i sure havent updated in a long while.... part of me is just lazy and part of me is so uninspired. im feeling disgustingly lonely again and it makes me sick ever night as i try to sleep. i guess there is only so much i can busy myself with in a day before pretending to be numb catches up with me.
i move tess to the appt on sunday, and brutis goes home with Will on monday, which im sort of glad for. there isnt all that much going on that i can think of to update on... gas prices suck!!

10:01 pm: flash KABOOM!!
im so scared it almost ridiculous, except for the fact that i honestly cant help it the min the light hits my retinas and is processed by my brain i cant help the nausea that runs chills through my skin. i would think i would really like lightning and thunder. but i dont and i cant help it. i keep having these mini panic attacks but it almost subconscious.... id stop it if i could, but for now i guess ill just listen to my ipod and hide way down in the covers, but i can still feel the vibrations.....

02:37 am: goodnight
its 2 am and as i sit here on this machine trying to decode isabel and the clues it left behind. outside my window i hear a bird cry, and odd as the hour is, it is still such a beautiful noise. it makes me wonder what it is calling for. is it the light of the morning and the spirit of the day or in panic of something lost. my mind drifts back to dreams i have been having... nothing outrageous, or to strange of sorts... everything reasonably realistic, although i must have some sort of unresolved anxieties just drifting about. not one decent undisturbed night of sleep for the past month or so. or none that i can feel in my painfully exhausted body. my mind has been fuzzy on a day to day basis and nauseating migraines have been haunting me during the evenings.... or perhaps it is the heat or lack of hydration.

02:36 am: goodnight cont...
....she calls again to me. perhaps the song for my sleep. the song i have been asking for. sing me to sleep i ask. sing me to sleep. run you finger through my hair, brush you hand light across my cheek and silently slip away. take me away.

03:37 am: little voices
man i am still so awake! i tell you i dont think i should have coffee and cotton candy... wowie! lol today was absolutely awesome! there is nothing like a day with fun cousins and coasters! you know there has been so many times in my life that i have wanted to say something. speak up because my gut feeling is tellign me so, but i still have this hesitence. like an insecurity, like i almost dont trust myself or something. then you are even more pissed afterwards cuz you are still thinking of all the clever things you could have said and should have said. but you know the moment is over and done now so why keep dwelling on it. i cant help it. its just like when i have those strange thoughts and gut feelings even if im not there, like when my grandfather p;assed away... i am so good at listening to others words, i need to learn to listen to my little voice better and more often. instinct. intuition. confidence.

10:23 pm: thinking...
im feeling oddly homesick tonight. not so much for the company of people it has in it for me, but more for it's simple beauty. i want to be able to just go walking.... in the park, on the beach, on sidewalks -which are non existant here- i miss being alone but at the same time smothered by the existance of people. i miss being able to feel awake and alive after 9pm. to see even after it gets dark. haha i wish, even as far fetched as this is, that home was less than a day trip away.... im starting to get uncomfortably comfortable here, and it making me uneasy.

11:51 pm: round and round
loneliness is starting to really settle in... im am getting really restless... i want to go out and meet people, but good people. i want to have something to do and people to go with... im home sick in the most distant way... its strange.

there needs to be more hours in a day... i just need to get up off my ass.


seprate note: andy leavs this week.... what will i do then? poor thing is prolly so happy to be rid of me! lol... poker addict.....

11:13 pm: touch
i worry, as is my nature... sleep is lost, but in some ways sleep is a waste of time...

please dont slip through the cracks. tell me how i can help. see i know you have talents and skills above and beyond every fucking moron out there who is surpassing you right now. tell me what i can say to make you see how much value you have to the world. to me. to them. tell me what i can do to prove that you are needed, wanted, desired by the world. how can i prove it. how can i show you the light of better things ahead, if only you'd look. they are looking for you. what makes you so afraid to look up, ahead, and around. the answers could only be a finger length away if you try.... so try. breathe in. breathe out. open your eyes.

10:00 pm: all means notihing, and nothing means everything....
i want to apoligise to the people who i promised to write to... if only i could express everything so you would understand.

01:39 am: last hope
"it was fine!", "it was great!", it was awesome! is what ill say. when all i want to do is cry my heart out. i wonder why things always go wrong, and how it goes so sour so fast. 19 years of my life now fits into 11 boxes and 1 suitcase at the moment. amazing how everything can mean absolutely nothing. how can people live like this!? and i wonder why i keep running. i hope at least i get to smooth over one aspect of this trip i had all intensions for. its about the last hope i have left.

11:47 pm: pressure
argh.. there are so many things i need to do, and not enough time to do it.. so many things i need to say, and not enough words... i need to get it all out before i pass out from all the pressure... who knew that life could be this complicated.....

::sobbs::



help me.

04:40 am: hey there dear,
come sit by my side
and we can look to the horizon beyond.
come lean on my shoulder and whisper in my ear
the thoughts you are so dying to share
for i cant help with what i dont know
and your insight inspires me so
your presence and being
is a gift in my life
and i and hope you feel that as well.

so please dear,
do consider
because maybe this is just what you are longing for.


some one very close to me once said, if you hold it all in, and wear it all out, you come off as being hostile and grumpy. it makes it seem like you dont want anyone to bother you when all you really want is someone to care and listen. all you need to do is learn to share what you feel and learn to ask for what you want, and the help you need.